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Election 2004: I Can’t Believe You Guys Fell for It!
One Last RED Herring Before you Move to Canada

 
 

by Craig Froehlich

 

“The rank and file is usually much more primitive than we imagine. Propaganda must therefore always be essentially simple and repetitious."
-Karl Rove, Reichsminister für Volksaufklärung und Propaganda

Soon you’ll be cozying up to a steaming bowl of creamed beaver with only a smoldering Karen Hughes effigy to keep you warm. But before joining the scores of political refugees fleeing to the northern hinterland, LET’S BREAK DOWN THE 2004 ELECTION!

You needn’t be a liberal or even a Democrat to feel a little discouraged after the November 2 election results. Perhaps you just don’t share the same urgency as the Bush Administration to bring about the apocalyptic “end of days” as prophesied in the Book of Revelations. Perhaps you don’t watch enough television. Nonetheless, we at RED hope we can help you find closure.

   
 Keys to Bush's Success  
 

 

Catering to the “stupid vote.”

God, Guns and Gays—or more specifically, threatening the latter with the first two.

Economics 101: getting higher marks than your opponent for fighting terrorism while creating more terrorists with a disastrous foreign policy.

Discouraging election fraud, encouraging election “shenanigans.”

Strategically placing younger brothers in key election states.

Recognizing the nation’s problems, ignoring them anyway.

Intimidating voters with a killer, attack Cheney you haven’t fed for a week.

Marry an automaton rather than a free-spirited, slightly eccentric foreigner who runs around voicing opinions.

Canvassing of urban neighborhoods with an enthusiastic “Suppress the Vote” effort.

As NASCAR goes, so goes the nation.

Gaining insight into race relations by watching “White Chicks” three times.

   
  Where Kerry Went Wrong  
 

Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were goin' all the way. Kurtz got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin' program.

In the debates, Kerry relied heavily on “nuance,” which many Southerners assumed was one of them boner pills.

He never bothered to issue a headline-stealing “terror alert warning” immediately following the Republican National Convention. Nor did he show the foresight to delay a controversial and bloody assault on Falluja until after the election.

Kerry only managed to convince Washington D.C. and New York City that he had the right plan to fight terrorism and basically ignored Coffeeville, Alabama (pop. 360).

He believed that the American people would make the right decision come Election Day.

He didn’t force daughter Alexandra to wear that sexy see-through number from Cannes at every campaign stop.

Kerry won all three debates, thereby adding to public perception that he was a smarty pants.

The horror. The horror.  
  What RED Learned  
 
Although his heart was in the right place, Lincoln should’ve let the South secede from the Union.

The legalization of assault weapons makes forming a ragtag band of lovable, armed revolutionaries that much easier.

Just when you begin to lose faith in the American public, take that thought and run with it.

Apparently the teachings of Jesus Christ encourage his followers to practice deceit, prejudice, greed and aggression. So much for that “love thy neighbor” and “turn the other cheek” crap.

If at first you don’t succeed…don’t succeed again, but even more so this time.

Being a uniter and not a divider only works when a cake recipe calls for it.

craig@RED-mag.com

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