Pat Robertson finally came to a conclusion that I reached long ago—democracy sucks and God hates us.
Television evangelist Robertson drew flack recently after denouncing the town of Dover, Pennsylvania. The citizenry of Dover recently voted out eight public school board members who wanted to enforce the teaching of “intelligent design.”
Intelligent, or “divine,” design is being pushed as an alternative to the scientific theory of evolution, providing an answer to life’s riddles that just makes sense. Backers of intelligent design look at life’s complexities and it gives them a migraine that nine OxyContin can’t relieve. [Editor’s note: By using the word OxyContin in this text, we are sure to infiltrate thousands of Internet searches. So, in conclusion—naked cheerleader sluts.] The mysteries of life hold few easy answers. It’s much easier to say that some omnipresent man with a white beard did all of the work. Hell, we still haven’t figured out why socks go missing in the dryer, so let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
On a recent broadcast of the “700 Club,” he said ,“I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover, if there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God, you just rejected him from your city. And if that’s the case, don’t ask for his help.”
Dover lies in contrast to portions of Kansas where intelligent design is being imposed on students. This is why Kansas has remained tornado-free since the “Dorothy incident.” New Orleans was punished for “Girls Gone Wild” and south Florida gots queers and Jews. Do I have to draw you a picture? I could, I’m very talented. Charcoals mostly, but a little experience with watercolors too.
What the liberal media seems to be missing is an understanding of Pat’s Christian God. He is a vengeful, ill-mannered God, and not everyone is as smart as Robertson to stay on His good side. If those in the blame-America-first crowd knew what Pat knows, it would be hard to stop them from blaming the attacks of Sept. 11 on homosexuals and abortion, saying that feminism promotes lesbianism and witchcraft, advocating the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and insisting that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.
This all-powerful, all knowing superhero—let’s call him Captain Insecure—is much like a jealous boyfriend. Except, instead of inspecting your panties and isolating you from your friends, God causes hurricanes and floods. God doesn’t like you to have your independence, because he thinks you are cheating on Him. Trust me on this, every time I masturbate I either get into a car wreck or one of my shoes spontaneously catches fire. I go through a lot of shoes.
The liberal media enjoys taking little pot shots at Robertson. This brings about a more disturbing question. Who in the liberal media is watching the “700 Club?” When I’m on a bender, I might stoop as low as watching “Sportscenter” and have spent many a sleepless night with “Celebrity Poker Showdown,” but never have I sunk to the depths of the “700 Club.” I’m more apt to berate the man with the magic tomato dicer than Pat Robertson.
A conservative columnist recently defended Robertson and suggested that the people of Dover call upon Charles Darwin in a time of need. I admit I have sat upright in my sweat-soaked bed and hollered, “Save me, Charles Darwin!” But, that’s just an issue I have with my cats and my inability to levitate. (More on that, next issue.)
It’s time to come to terms with the fact that Charles Darwin won’t save you, but Captain Insecure will.
craig [at] saltshakermagazine.com